It was decades of denial that came flooding to the surface. It turned out a sham–a bad dream, really. The map for success was instilled in me at a young age–go to college, find stable job, make money (or marry it), marriage & kids, move to the suburbs. It didn’t matter how I got there, as long as I made it to the top of the mountain. So, I started the climb without hesitation–much like a sheep with its pasture.
As time elapsed and reality set in, this scripted life didn’t feel right. I’d seen behind the curtain and came to realize that my story would have a different plot. But all the while, the people around me were killing themselves to get to the top–so I continued up, enduring the climb. Quiet whispers echoed in my ear from time to time, only for me to push them to the side.
I became conditioned and conformed to what was expected of me. My life on autopilot became predictable and robotic, yet thoughts of exploring the unknown were terrifying. Days would pass wondering why I’m not further. It will all work out, I’d rationalize–slowly moving away from myself.
My disappointing attempts at living up to the standards of the external world led to the neglect of my internal one. I became an expert at planning for the future, yet never being fully in the present. Instant gratification was my worst enemy; and still no distraction in the world–excess shopping, “happy” hours, vacations, obsessive workouts and diets, meaningless relationships–could fill the pang of sadness inside.
Damn! What if everything I was told to do and think went against my truest self? How could a life well-lived be a one size fits all? These questions would haunt me and never let up. Eventually, the harsh reality set in–I was climbing the wrong mountain and stuck on the side.
I’m not sure I ever bought into the system as it was presented, or found it desirable. I just didn’t know there was an alternative, and perhaps was too scared to find out. It was clear now I had a choice to make–continue on with a life unlived or tear down the walls that had taken me so long to build.
I would have to shed my old self, peel off the layers and find a way to redefine success on my own terms. A new mountain to climb–without a map, and most likely no one around.
A tough pill to swallow, and the process messy.
But it would all be worth it.