Being a therapist is the most compelling, heartbreaking, and meaningful job in the world. It’s also all-consuming and requires endless sacrifice, self-reflection, and self-care.
After exploring the dark side of the soul all day, it can make socializing in the world a bit tricky. Even the idea of small talk can feel difficult most days.
But I’m always humbled when I go out, and glad that I did.
This past weekend, I was reminded why I love what I do. I was in conversation with a couple at a party, and the minute I mentioned what I do for work, there was silence.
Soon enough, we were engaged in a discussion about the process of therapy and the meaning of human suffering. Then the question came out...the most common question I get asked: How do you know when people change?
The truth is, it depends.
It’s a complex question because internal change is not always visible to the external world. What people see on the outside and a felt sense of change are two different experiences.
If an identity shift has happened, there could be aspects of the client’s worldview that have changed. Maybe they start a new creative project, adopt a pet, or end a relationship that was unfulfilling. They could become softer, more attuned to their needs, more compassionate in their relationships.
In subtler ways, it could show up physically in session at first—a sudden shift in posture, a red lipstick that feels out of character. Or, their language changes– how they describe their experiences, how they speak about themselves.
It could also be cathartic and involve a big life change–grieving parts of themselves that they had been carrying from the past that needed to be tended to. A release that leads to an openness to possibility, realized hope, a new way of being.
The reality is, real change requires an identity shift. And that means we have to challenge old belief systems that have kept us stuck.
Because the version of us that worked before won’t work if we want to step into a new way of being, a new life.
Something must be surrendered to step into the new—whether it's leaving friendships that no longer serve us, making big career transitions, or finding honest, deep love in ourselves or others for the first time.
We must figure out a new way of being and release old patterns.
And when a client asks me the question...How will I know that I’ve changed?
I respond, when peace becomes attainable, presence becomes your norm, and truth becomes your way of being.