The Myth Of Happy

Society has a big idea of what we need to be happy. And we have become experts at living up to its standards.

We accept these illusions of what happy should look like, and we’re hell-bent on killing ourselves in pursuit of it.

It starts when we are young and eager to prove our worth to the adults in our lives. Then the illusion transforms when the world gets its hands on us, as we start craving external validation.

We become driven by the addiction to achievements, materialism, work, and love­—in hopes to give our life meaning. All the while unaware that we are chasing goals that never fulfill our healthy needs.

Slowly our identity sets in and we become wound up in a tightly constructed prison of society’s definition of happiness.

Falling short of our mission, we start to feel anxious and sad­—yet we don’t know why. But we ignore the voices inside and continue to ‘do better’ in order to feel better.

We practice all the things to scratch the itch–get fitter, work harder, chase love & money, join new communities, switch jobs, move across the country, become “wellness” experts.

Yet none of these external changes ever seem to fill that gaping hole inside and soon our life starts to feel predictable and mediocre.

What we’ve failed to realize is—the core of our happiness doesn’t come from the outside, nor is it presented to us in a pretty box with a bow around it.

And while we might deserve it, we aren’t owed it.

It’s who we are, not what we have. And we must fight for it by continually becoming a better version of ourselves (not someone else).

And like everything in life, it's impermanent­­—changing as we evolve.

Most importantly, it looks different for each of us. And much to our disbelief, it doesn’t involve perfect.

But in order to define it, we must find the courage to look deep inside and learn more about who we are. And by facing the painful truths of our past so we can determine who we want to be and where we want to go.

Because once we do this important work and discover what happiness feels like for us—we finally have the freedom to create.

The Company We Choose

There are many aspects of life we don’t have control over. The company we work for and the company we keep are two that we do.

And if we aren’t careful about how we choose both–they have the power to wreak havoc on our lives.

Much like people, companies often front as if they come from a place of integrity. They tell a good story about their diversity and wellness initiatives, work/life balance (whatever that means), and corporate giving-back committees.

They offer endless vacation and a beautiful office aesthetic–creating the allure of “best companies to work for.”

So, we build this story in our head of what we want them to be–our ideal match.

And while all of those offerings are great for company PR and attracting talent, they give no indication of how their employees FEEL once they get inside.

We must not be fooled by the fantasy of the outside.

The good news is–people and companies almost always reveal themselves.

When we investigate, ask the right questions and listen carefully, we can evaluate and see the truth­­­—IF we're willing to.

And if we already work for a company that doesn’t feel good on the inside? We create a plan to get out.

Because we get to choose the relationships we enter into. And they are simply way too important to overlook.

Why The World Has Gone Mad

It’s no wonder our society’s more depressed than ever.

In a heavily distracted world, we have no shortage of pleasure-seeking activities to keep us comfortably numb throughout our day. With the help of corporations and media, we sway between the pendulum of boredom and anxiety–avoiding pain at all costs.

Starbucks wakes us up–Spotify eases our morning commute–Amazon is there to relieve us of a grueling 10 plus hour work day–Seamless to the rescue once we finally get home–leaving just enough time to shop for a soulmate on Tinder and Netflix to tuck us into bed.

Meanwhile, social media “influencers” are there to kill any downtime–while clickbait ads pop up every two seconds–as we scroll endlessly for our daily dopamine fix and cure our bout of FOMO. Before we know it, the subconscious game of comparison creeps in–leaving us feeling more vacant than ever. And when we’re really sad? There’s a pill for that–or a self-help book on finding happiness to get us through.

Slowly all the noise and distractions corrode our minds, making us emotionally exhausted and physically sick. The result? An overworked, overweight, overstimulated, self-medicated and anxious culture. The sad truth is, we’ve never been more connected AND disconnected than this very moment–from ourselves and each other.

The beautiful side to this harsh reality is that we get to decide–with the power to take control of our behavior and lives. Through our daily choices, we can make a conscious effort to turn down the volume and eliminate the clutter that keeps us asleep. And finally, we can tend to the nervous tick that makes us anxious to begin with.

Because once we fight the war that matters most, life is so much better. We can finally persevere to get what we really want.

And besides, having someone else dictate our happiness and success just doesn’t make sense–but a life of intention, meaning and purpose definitely does.

The Bright Side Of Getting Fired

Let’s put an end to the social stigma of getting fired, shall we?

Losing your job sucks, no doubt. Much like being on the receiving end of a breakup, it kinda makes you feel like you’ve been kicked in the crotch. I’ve been given the pink slip myself on more than one occasion, and it’s definitely a tough pill to swallow.

This isn’t a valid reason to be shamed by anyone, let alone ourselves. It happens, and not to “good” or “bad” employees. It simply happens. Whether you were blindsided by a lay off to “balance the books”, set up to fail or pushed out because your boss (or client) hated you–most people experience it at some point.

I worked for a company who paid some senior-level executives north of $200k a year to do absolutely nothing except for speak on panels, sound smart and look important. Which is actually fine, if you’re Tony Robbins and that is your job–not when you’re supposed to be leading a team, running a piece of business, or in the trenches with your people. Sadly, they had more job security than anyone because someone at the top bought into their smoke and mirrors. 

Then there are those master delegators who direct traffic all day–leaving the heavy lifting for middle management, yet still pulling off the inevitable raise and promotion like clockwork. Meanwhile, those employees under them end up burning out and quit–or yes, get fired.

It’s called bad business, and companies will justify it however they feel suits their bottom line best.

I’m not saying some people don’t deserve to be let go. But if it’s happened to you–for whatever reason–you’re probably better off anyway because just like a breakup, you usually end up looking back and realizing it happened for a good reason.

And don’t think for a minute that senior-level executive doesn’t subconsciously feel shame for adding no value and serving little purpose in their job. They do too, even if it doesn’t show on the outside.

Oh, and if you’ve had the fortune of never losing your job, lucky you. Unless of course, you secretly wish you would–so you’d be put out of your misery–in which case is a whole other level of shame.

Tearing Down The Walls

It was decades of denial that came flooding to the surface. It turned out a sham–a bad dream, really. The map for success was instilled in me at a young age–go to college, find stable job, make money (or marry it), marriage & kids, move to the suburbs. It didn’t matter how I got there, as long as I made it to the top of the mountain. So, I started the climb without hesitation–much like a sheep with its pasture.

As time elapsed and reality set in, this scripted life didn’t feel right. I’d seen behind the curtain and came to realize that my story would have a different plot. But all the while, the people around me were killing themselves to get to the top–so I continued up, enduring the climb. Quiet whispers echoed in my ear from time to time, only for me to push them to the side.

I became conditioned and conformed to what was expected of me. My life on autopilot became predictable and robotic, yet thoughts of exploring the unknown were terrifying. Days would pass wondering why I’m not further. It will all work out, I’d rationalize–slowly moving away from myself.

My disappointing attempts at living up to the standards of the external world led to the neglect of my internal one. I became an expert at planning for the future, yet never being fully in the present. Instant gratification was my worst enemy; and still no distraction in the world–excess shopping, “happy” hours, vacations, obsessive workouts and diets, meaningless relationships–could fill the pang of sadness inside.

Damn! What if everything I was told to do and think went against my truest self? How could a life well-lived be a one size fits all? These questions would haunt me and never let up. Eventually, the harsh reality set in–I was climbing the wrong mountain and stuck on the side.

I’m not sure I ever bought into the system as it was presented, or found it desirable. I just didn’t know there was an alternative, and perhaps was too scared to find out. It was clear now I had a choice to make–continue on with a life unlived or tear down the walls that had taken me so long to build. 

I would have to shed my old self, peel off the layers and find a way to redefine success on my own terms. A new mountain to climb–without a map, and most likely no one around.

A tough pill to swallow, and the process messy.

But it would all be worth it.